Love of a Lifetime!

“Accept the children the way we accept trees—with gratitude, because they are a blessing—but do not have expectations or desires. You don’t expect trees to change, you love them as they are.” -Isabel Allende

 

 



Being a mother of four children ages 2-4 is by far the hardest but most rewarding job I have ever had. There is something so absolutely life changing about becoming a parent. I don't just mean the obvious things, but more importantly the internal things. There is a love that you have never experienced before that surfaces the moment you lay eyes on your first born baby. A love that can move mountains and calm seas. You instantly become protective of this little life and begin pouring into his/her life this unconditional love and acceptance.

I was blessed when I got married to Lover to gain a beautiful stepdaughter. I always loved that quote about "how you weren't born below my heart, but in it!" My daughter,err stepdaughter as some would say has been an unbelievable blessing in my life. I know there are those moments in her upcoming preteen years where I have literally lost my mind but the fact remains that I love her to the moon and back again. This love came by choice! I am so grateful and honored that God entrusted her to me.

Not long after I got married, Lover and I found out we were going to be expecting our first! The joy that filled my heart was unspeakable. For two months I basked in the awesome-ness of finally becoming a mommy. A real mommy. Sadly we found out at our first ultrasound that I had a miscarriage, but my body hadn't realized it and was continuing on as though I was still pregnant. My world was shattered. I remember sitting in Dr. Hartman's office as he broke the news to me that I had already seen on the ultrasound. Hearing the words come from his mouth was like a knife to my heart. I remember that feeling of loss and hopelessness. I remember the look on Lover's face and how hard he tried to remain strong for me. I can recall the Dr's hands holding mine as though I may faint if I tried to stand up. I can still hear the words he spoke to me about how many women have miscarriages and don't even know it. That this was a good sign because it meant I was capable of being pregnant. He went on to share his own story of his wife's miscarriage and how they went on to have two beautiful children. I can still feel the tears that streamed down my face as we talked about the DNC I was going to have to do in order to remove the remaining tissues and pregnancy stuff that my body wouldn't let go of naturally.

It was by far the worst experience I have ever endured in my entire life. All the hopes and dreams and plans that I had for our first little one died that day in Dr. Hartman's office. Then on October 30, 2007 I no longer carried any part of our little one. During the following months we had my sister's baby shower for her first pregnancy and I had other people I knew that were also pregnant at the time. I remember the loving card my brother and his wife got me on Mothers day that following year and how my heart tore into pieces. Life was just unbearable at times. I cried myself to sleep every night for as long as I can remember. I remember going to the alter at church and just pouring my heart out to God. I can recall some of the remarks well intentioned people gave me as to WHY I lost our precious little one.

Then one morning at church a woman prayed for me and asked God to heal any hurts and of course my body. I remember falling down and just as soon as I did it was like God took me to a new place in my mind. He showed me this beautiful little girl with curly blonde hair in the most adorable white frilly dress. She was dancing in a meadow of flowers and had taken me by the hand and told me she wanted to take me some place very special. Within seconds we were in this great big place with millions of people. She was bowed down on her little knees praying! Right behind her was my grandmother and to the side of her was my cousin Jake (although I found it odd at the age differences among them). I remember thinking to myself how I wanted to name her Isabella which meant one devoted to God. I felt like this was God's way of giving me closure over such a traumatic time in my life. What an amazing thought to think my little girl had her very first heartbeat in Heaven. I realized in that moment that although life seemed hard to bear God was just taking me to a new level of understanding. That someday God was going to allow me to share my hurt and loss with others who would experience the same tragedy as I had.

Then on April 24, 2009 we welcomed our little Abigail into the world. I could totally talk for hours about that pregnancy and what happened the days following, but that will be for another day :) Six weeks after Abby was born we found out we were pregnant AGAIN. Not to far after that we found out it was twin girls! Our little Madalyn and Felicia joined our little family on February 24, 2010. Then we found out we were having another one and Michael was born on October 19, 2011. The love that has filled my life since the birth of my children can not compare to any other love I had ever experienced.

I know they can be a handful and it can be overwhelming at times, but they are the greatest accomplishment in my life. They are growing up to be little prayer warriors and they are totally loving Jesus and that is the best feeling in the world. I am so proud of who they are becoming to be all five of my kidlets.

There are times when I would get upset because I felt that they were being pushed aside by others. How I felt they were overlooked or somehow didn't stand up to others expectations. I use to be concerned with the time others wanted to spend with them. Then I realized something. My children lack for nothing. They have so many people in their lives who truly adore and love them. Who cares if it's blood related or not! I remember that saying how "blood is thicker than water". Hosh Posh! You know what I have come to realize over the last few years. The only thing that matters is that the people I have around my children love them. They don't NEED everyone that I believe should be there. They only need the ones who truly want to be a part of their life. Listen. I know there are others out there who struggle with this issue. Just rest assured that God loves them more than we ever could and that there are other people in this world who genuinely love your children. Focus on the positive this year and don't let minor issues impact how you live your life.

My children are amazing and the most loving little kidlets ever. They have need of nothing. Always remember to teach your children about the one who loves them above all things. Trust me. This is what really matters. That they grow up knowing about God and how much HE loves them and how HE has a plan and a purpose for each one of them. Don't  focus on the things your children do to make you go crazy, but see each different characteristic as something that GOD has placed in them for His greater purpose someday. Continue to allow others around you to pour their love on your children and allow your children to do the same. They might surprise you!

I am going to live this new year with a new focus and a new mind-set. I hope and pray that you can open your heart and let go of those past hurts and move forward in the direction God has been calling you too! I pray favor for you and your family this year.

God Bless!!

 

When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”

-Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers